Mark Twain - Report from the Recording Angel

What is the giving up of life, to a noble soul, or to ten thousand noble souls, compared with the giving up of fifteen dollars out of the greedy grip of the meanest white man that ever lived on the face of the earth?

Richard Wilson - Farewell Party (1958)

There was a Japanese here, bowing with a smile whenever anyone glanced at him, still guilty of World War II.

College Humour - Um, Actually

- Pat Cassels, do you have a Roth IRA?
- No, all my money is in Star Trek collectibles.

The Ridiculous 6

For breakfast my baby bakes my biscuits,
At lunchtime she puts honey in my tea,
For supper she butters up my corn cob,
And for dessert she gives that pudding to me.

My baby knows my eggs are over easy,
She lets me cut her coffee with my cream,
I've got a hankering for some cherry pie,
My baby always licks the ladle clean.

Mark Twain - Punch, Brothers, Punch!

Conductor, when you receive a fare,
Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare,
A buff trip slip for a sixcent fare,
A pink trip slip for a threecent fare,
Punch in the presence of the passenjare!

CHORUS

Punch, brothers! punch with care!
Punch in the presence of the passenjare!

Robert Louis Stevenson - Treasure Island

"Thanky, George," replied the sea-cook. "You always was brisk for business, and has the rules by heart, George, as I'm pleased to see. Well, what is it, anyway? Ah! "Deposed" — that's it, is it? Very pretty wrote, to be sure; like print, I swear. Your hand o' write, George? Why, you was gettin' quite a leadin' man in this here crew. You'll be cap'n next, I shouldn't wonder. Just oblige me with that torch again, will you? This pipe don't draw."

Quiet Aunt Zelda

Quiet Aunt Zelda
Willie Skips Exams
Every Dog Cares
Run From Vicky To Get Betty
Young Harry Never Uses Joe’s Money
I'm King Comma
Oh Lloyd Stop
Please