Sunday, November 27, 2016

College Humour - Um, Actually

- Pat Cassels, do you have a Roth IRA?
- No, all my money is in Star Trek collectibles.

Monday, February 8, 2016

The Ridiculous 6

For breakfast my baby bakes my biscuits,
At lunchtime she puts honey in my tea,
For supper she butters up my corn cob,
And for dessert she gives that pudding to me.

My baby knows my eggs are over easy,
She lets me cut her coffee with my cream,
I've got a hankering for some cherry pie,
My baby always licks the ladle clean.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Mark Twain - Punch, Brothers, Punch!

Conductor, when you receive a fare,
Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare,
A buff trip slip for a sixcent fare,
A pink trip slip for a threecent fare,
Punch in the presence of the passenjare!


Punch, brothers! punch with care!
Punch in the presence of the passenjare!

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Robert Louis Stevenson - Treasure Island

"Thanky, George," replied the sea-cook. "You always was brisk for business, and has the rules by heart, George, as I'm pleased to see. Well, what is it, anyway? Ah! "Deposed" — that's it, is it? Very pretty wrote, to be sure; like print, I swear. Your hand o' write, George? Why, you was gettin' quite a leadin' man in this here crew. You'll be cap'n next, I shouldn't wonder. Just oblige me with that torch again, will you? This pipe don't draw."

Monday, May 11, 2015

Quiet Aunt Zelda

Quiet Aunt Zelda
Willie Skips Exams
Every Dog Cares
Run From Vicky To Get Betty
Young Harry Never Uses Joe’s Money
I'm King Comma
Oh Lloyd Stop

Monday, April 20, 2015

Robert Sheckley - The Alchemical Marriage of Alistair Crompton

Crompton's response was formed by this insight. He said, "Thanks, Sue, I'd really love to do that some other time. But no I've got to get myself sorted out first."

"That's what all the Heavy Cases say," Sue said sadly. "Oh well. Here comes your Two-Hour Friend."

A tall thin black man was approaching. He had a cheerful face and a great head of wiry hair.

"My what?" Crompton asked.

"It is well known," Sue said, "that a Friend is just exactly what a person with heavy psychological difficulties arriving all shook up in a strange place most needs."

"I don't understand."

"So the Aion Foundation provides a Friend for each incoming guest. The job is on a volunteer basis, but only for two hours at a time since being friends with a person you have nothing in common with and care nothing about is difficult and taxing work."

"Hi," the black man said. "I'm Javi, I come from Fiji."

Monday, December 1, 2014

Mark Twain - Ode to Stephen Dowling Bots, Dec'd.

And did young Stephen sicken,
And did young Stephen die?
And did the sad hearts thicken,
And did the mourners cry?

No; such was not the fate of
Young Stephen Dowling Bots;
Though sad hearts round him thickened,
'Twas not from sickness' shots.

No whooping-cough did rack his frame,
Nor measles drear, with spots;
Not these impaired the sacred name
Of Stephen Dowling Bots.

Despised love struck not with woe
That head of curly knots,
Nor stomach troubles laid him low,
Young Stephen Dowling Bots.

O no. Then list with tearful eye,
Whilst I his fate do tell.
His soul did from this cold world fly,
By falling down a well.

They got him out and emptied him;
Alas it was too late;
His spirit was gone for to sport aloft
In the realms of the good and great.